So until I went to Fiji I thought I had kind of accepted my body you know that whole love yourself no matter what spiel. I had convinced myself that I loved my mummy tummy. The weird thing is that I do love my mummy tummy, I really do it grew four beautiful babies and I am so proud and grateful for that. And if I am saying all these things then why the hell am I feeling this way?
Of course these feelings would come up it was time to put on a bikini and I was seriously repulsed and disgusted at the way that my body looked! EVEN TYPING THESE WORDS MAKE ME UPSET! It made me so sad that all my saggy skin and stretch marks were hanging and bulging out of my bikinis and togs. Running through my mind were horrible things like "What was I thinking trying to get into a bikini 3 months after I've had twins", "You actually look really fat and what are people going to think?" and "why can't I be one of those Mum's that just bounce back". I kept wondering what if they don't know I've had four kids and they think my stomach is like this normally. Now that I think about it I'm like you stupid woman who cares if people think that and you have just had twins only three months ago give yourself a damn break! I would never ever say these horrible things to anyone else so why say them to myself?
So it got me thinking do I actually love my body? Have I accepted what has happened to it? And do I accept that this is the way it's going to look like until I decide to change it. You know what? I actually don't know! I feel like I am the type of person who needs to really understand how I am feeling and be okay, be strong but in this case it's just not something that's going to change over night. Its going to take time and a lot of healing and self acceptance. I'm still learning and every day is different, I have no idea what tomorrow will bring but all in all the answer is Yes, yes I do, I love my body. I'm still getting use to this new body of mine. Over the last two and a half years it has changed dramatically. I have grown four babies so my body has been completely and utterly been pushed to its limits and you know what it didn't fail me one damn time. It allowed me to grow four healthy babies full term and I birthed my babies naturally, Yes I, Me, My body.
I'm not going to lie it has pushed me to my limits Physically, emotionally and mentally I have been tested and it's been bloody hard but look here I am, I am healthy, alive and I have an amazing husband and incredible children who just make my world.
I am proud that I can accept these feelings and deal with them in a positive way, I know that self esteem has a huge impact on my life and I need to constantly keep pushing my limits of self love to convince myself that I am beautiful and that I am enough and that it doesn't matter what my body looks like and who cares about what anyone else thinks. But the reality of actually putting that into action is very hard and it's going to take time and patience but I know I will get there.
It's something truly amazing to have someone love you for you but it's an even greater love when you can love yourself, imperfections and all.